In what must surely be the most shocking political development since the U.S. system of democratic liberalism was replaced in a bloodless 2000 judicial coup by fundamentalist extremists, China has announced that it will cease and desist all operations and actions in the Tibetan region  and restore full autonomy and self-preservation to the people’s of Tibet; all claims of Chinese ownership over Tibet have been officially repudiated and all Chinese settlers have been asked to return to mainland China.  The Chinese military began their withdrawl, accompanied by all government officials, at approximately 4:01am, local time.

The Dali Lama, who was last scene begining the long and treterous hike from Nepal to Lhasa that thousands of Tibetan refugees have traversed over the years in fleeing their homeland, was quoted merely as saying “Holy shit, I didn’t see that one coming.”

Later, an official from his government in exile released a clarifying statement witch read:

The Dali Lama, for quite some time, has insisted that he does not seek independence for Tibet, but merely “more autonomy” and freedom to practice and preserve their religion.  This move by the Chinese government will only disrupt our comfortable and privileged lifestyle here in Dharmala.  We ask that the Chinese government carefully reconsider their rash and bold actions.  Just because some bored, over-privileged middle class kids have been rioting in the streets of late does not mean that there’s any political legitimacy to their demands.  Without the Chinese occupation of Tibet, the region is at risk of losing millions of dollars annually in re-development funding, as well as tourist income into the local economy, which as we all know languished for thousands of years in mere subsistence and the idol pursuit of individual happiness and the meaning of human existence.

Only time will tell what will come next. 

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